


Sirius Black & His Exigent Love Note

by cherryziggystarsdust



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Mutual Pining, No War AU, Slow Burn, but slow, not that slow, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:34:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27833872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryziggystarsdust/pseuds/cherryziggystarsdust
Summary: In a fit of frustrated pining, Sirius writes Remus a lengthy love letter—one he never intended for him to find.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 10





	1. sirius writes a note

As the intuitive sun peeked through the velvety curtains of Sirius’ bed, a sudden rush of adornment had infiltrated the boy’s heartbeat. He clutched onto his pillow, rolling over lazily to face Remus’ bed a few feet away, and felt himself tense up in enchantement. Regardless of how stubbornly Sirius attempted to stop himself from staring, it was no use. There was something about the cinnamon-haired boy beside him that was incomprehensibly angelic; the way his shaggy hair flopped dangerously close to his brown eyes—oh, his eyes. The way they seemed to twinkle in the presence of sunlight. There was nothing about Remus that Sirius could find unmagical or cold, and that fact was an all-consuming force of his thoughts.

It was then, in the sun-soaked dawn, that Sirius realized something had shifted for Remus in his anomalously-curious soul—because he _knew_ that James was handsome, and he _knew_ that Marlene Mckinnon was pretty, but Remus made him feel something entirely different. He was _beautiful_ , accentuated. He walked with coy creedence, nodded kindly while others were telling stories to quietly promise that he was listening to them. And it was then, just at the mere thought of him, that Sirius Black knew he was in love.

But what was Sirius, notorious for his brashness and jocularity, to do about an emotion as poignant as love? It wasn’t a sensation he could feign familiarity to, per say. Sure, the Potters loved him, and Sirius liked to think that Regulus still carried an affinity of care for him. But that was all different; there was no risk in that kind of love. Mrs. Potter would never break his heart, and James would never allude to Sirius “ruining the friendship.”

No—loving Remus was a whole different ball game. And the jet-black haired boy supposed that suppressing his feelings might do the trick; except Sirius had never been good at keeping quiet, and he figured that without an outlet, the plug in his heart was bound to speckle out.

~

As Sirius finally trudged out of bed, the day progressing into a typical stride, he felt himself somewhere else, so consumed in his thoughts that not even the warm fragrance of Marmalade Toast could pull him away.

“Oi, Padfoot, are you okay? You haven’t said anything for five minutes”, James started jovially.

Nodding absent-mindedly, Sirius averted his gaze to the three boys staring intently at him, awaiting an explanation for his uncharacteristic sequester.

“Yeah, yeah, fine. I’m just tired, didn’t sleep much last night.”

Listening intently, Remus nodded in sympathy. Sirius could feel his gaze on him, and didn’t dare make direct eye contact in fear of his own intense sentiments.

“Do you want some dreamless sleep potion? That’s usually what keeps you up, yeah?”, Remus offered kindly.

Sirius, in this very moment, resented Remus for how well he knew him. If he was a distant friend, some random boy that sat behind him in Herbology, this would all be so much easier. But Remus was one of his best mates, which made everything so much more complicated. And as much as Sirius’ curiosity might let him forget it, the boy hated complicated.

“No, no, it’s alright, Moony, thanks. Probably just the bloody cold weather keeping me up.”

“Alright, well I’ll keep some around just in case.”

And it was that, Remus’ casual generosity, that made Sirius fall deeper with each moment that passed. It was almost uncontrollable. And his identity was no help, either. Because when Sirius felt, he felt hard, all the time, like a waterfall rushing rapidly from a cliff, only to find itself surrounded by more blue ocean.

“You know, I’m thinking of writing Lily a love letter”, James continued obliviously from across the table.

“A love note, what for? I think you’ve already made it pretty clear how you feel about her.”

“Well, yeah, but it’ll help me articulate what I’m trying to say better. It’s not like my other methods have worked yet, anyway.”

That caught Sirius’ attention.

A love note. _Articulation_.

Perhaps that’s what he needed to get it out of his system. Of course, he wouldn’t dare let Remus read it, but it couldn’t hurt to let it all out, could it? And what was fifteen inches of parchment, really, if it would help Sirius feel a little bit less?

“I think it’s a great idea, Prongs. Never know, maybe she’ll appreciate your writing skills, think you’re a Muggle poet or something,” Sirius projected, silently thanking his curly-haired friend for the unintentional source of therapeutic activity.

~

It was that same evening, dusk barely presenting itself in the stained-glass windows of the castle, that Sirius wrote his secret love note. Feigning the front of a Potions essay, the boy camped himself out on the stands of the quidditch pitch, a place he was certain Remus wouldn’t be.

Sirius thought it might be embarrassing to write the note, difficult to get out even a sentence in fear of self-realization; but it wasn’t. There was a naturalistic quality to it all, in fact, just as if he’d been harboring his feelings of ardor for so long, he could identify them in an instant.

_Remus,_

No, too formal, especially for a note he’d never receive.

 _Moony_ ,

_Prongs is still trying to get Lily to fall in love with him, so I suppose you can thank him for this idea. Not that you’ll have that opportunity, because you’ll never see this. I’ll make sure of it._

_I don’t really know how else to start this, it seems much too dramatic for a casual starter. So I guess I’d better stop being a git and just say it._

_I like you. A lot. More than I know what to do with. And that’s so bloody confusing, because you’re my mate, and I don’t like when things get complicated but I just can’t help it. You’re beautiful, and that feels so daunting to write down but it’s true. Anything even remotely interesting that I do means nothing if you don’t think it’s cool, and I don’t see any considerable reason to have much fun at all if you’re not around. You’ve got this coy confidence about yourself that I could only wish to obtain the tact of, and you somehow manage to get everyone to love you without even trying. I wouldn’t be surprised if Snivellus kept a secret shrine for you up in his room. Creepy git._

_Anyway._

_I can only assume you’d be much better at writing one of these things than me, what with your nose in a book all the time. Whoever you fall in love with would be way too lucky to have you. I know I am, at least. Well, I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I bloody love you, and it’s driving me insane. I think about you all the time and I don’t think a world without you is one worth living in._

_-Sirius Orion Black_

It was such a ridiculous, formal way to close a letter, Sirius admitted, but he had always done it that way for dramatics, and it seemed that he might as well stick to tradition.

~

As he lay in bed that night, midnight stars keeping his restlessness company, Sirius shifted over to look at Remus. The boy’s peaceful figure in a fit of deep sleep put an unwelcome thought in his inamorato’s mind. Because Sirius knew Remus, and he knew the unkind proportions of pain that he endured. It was that thought alone that drove Sirius crazy, almost leading into the boy’s arms, flailing his confectionately loving parchment straight into his line of vision. Because Remus was loved, and Sirius thought he deserved to know that.


	2. what’s astrology got to do with it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene’s passion for astrology leaves Sirius in an even more confused state of mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! thank u for reading :) just wanted to point out that the star signs I’ve given the marauders are canon-compliant, lol, but the majority of this story will not be, in the sense that i am not focusing much on the prospect of war, and truthfully, erasing its existence. just some friendly pining and high school drama here :) 
> 
> enjoy!! 
> 
> xx, P

Sirius woke up the following morning with an atrocious migraine. Perhaps it was the fact that he’d only slept a total of two hours, both of which included ridiculously invasive dreams involving Remus discovering the intimate piece of parchment that his secret admirer had conjured up. Regardless of Sirius’ commitments to secrecy, he’d had a field day trying to decipher where exactly the note would hide itself. He’d considered burning it, ripping it up and tossing its remnants into the forest with no trace. But a stronger force in his heart forbid him from doing anything. So the all-revealing note lied stealthily in the back of Sirius’ Herbology textbook, a place he was certain nobody would look (and, frankly, a place Sirius wouldn’t bother paying attention to, either.) “Pads, are you up? We’re barely going to make it to breakfast if you don’t get dressed in five minutes,” Remus asked from across the room. As Sirius cognized the voice beside him, he gathered that it must have just been the two of them. Fantastic, he thought. _How do I tell him it’s all his fault that I don’t sleep at night?_

“Uh, yeah, I’ll be ready in five minutes,” he replied groggily, uselessly putting forth his best efforts to remain casual about a situation that Remus, in truth, was completely oblivious to. 

“Couldn’t sleep again?”, he asked, vague concern laced through his voice.

His voice—his stupid, stupid, voice that Sirius admitted he would listen to forever if there was a way. Perhaps he should have included that in the love note, perhaps if he had been more _specific_ in his letter, the feelings would go away as he intended. It was a witless way to think, Sirius knew that, but he was running out of options. And silently pining after his best mate was most certainly _not_ an option. Not one that would end well, at least. 

“Uh, yeah. I don’t know. Just the weather, like I was saying. No big deal.”

“Oh, alright, if you say so. You can take one of my blankets if you want, I hardly even need a sheet with how hot I run.” 

_I know you barely need a sheet, because I spend all night staring at your torso and—_

“It’s fine, Moony. I’ll live,” Sirius replied, slightly colder than he had intended. 

“Well I know you’ll live, but you should also be able to _sleep_ ,” Remus retorted, slightly irritated with his friend’s inconvenient streak of pride. 

“I said it’s _fine_.” Sirius concluded, this time with an unmissable sense of hostility. 

Remus’ eyes bugged out ever so slightly at the boy's unexpected snap, but reacted rationally. He knew how to handle Sirius, always had. There weren’t many mood swings or sudden change in demeanors that Remus couldn’t dissipate, and he comprehended well how irrational Sirius could get without a good night’s rest. Still _—_ his harshness was unexpected, because when Sirius was upset, Remus almost never bared the brunt of it. 

“Alright,” he sighed, unimpressed. “Well get dressed then, you lazy git, we’ll be lucky to make it to Defense at this rate.” 

At Remus’ casual understanding, Sirius felt even more guilt pervade himself. It would be so much simpler if Remus had gotten annoyed with him; gave them a reason to fight so that he wouldn’t have to confront his own emotions. But as he’d heard James say each time Lily rejected him, _Love is never a simple affair, lads._ And that was reigning supreme, because Remus never seemed to overreact. He accepted people’s bad days and almost always regarded other emotions with dignity and respect. It was one of the reasons that Sirius, all heart and chaos and angst, loved him so much. 

_Perhaps it would be impossible to ignore it all_ , Sirius admitted. 

“Sorry, Moony, I don’t mean to be rude. Just tired,” he mumbled out, not daring to expose the verity of his lovesick plight of insomnia. 

“Eh, it’s alright. I’ve had my fair share of bad days. But seriously, _get up_. We’re going to be late and you’re already set for detention for a week, anyway.” 

~

The morning came and went, and Sirius was finding himself in quicksand. Perhaps he had made an unprecedented mistake in writing his ambivalent love note. Because now that he had, everything was so much more stark. It was as if he had been going his entire life with poor vision, not even realizing his blinded sight, only to put on a pair of glasses he wasn’t used to in the slightest. Remus was always around, but now he was _everywhere_. His caramel eyes and his comforting laugh and his long fingers and his soft, worn-out sweaters and _—it was too much for Sirius to process._

The dark-haired boy could only count on one thing at this point, that being a damn good distraction. He might be able to find that in James or Peter, but where they were, Remus was, and that didn’t bode well with the speed of Sirius’ heartbeat. So he’d found another hindrance in Marlene and Lily. Of course, the other boys would tag along, they always did, but at least there would be something to do other than gaze into Remus’ line of vision like a lovesick puppy. 

“Marlene, Lily! What have I done to be blessed with your presence on this fine afternoon?”, Sirius started with cheek, utilizing his charming personality to suppress his un-eloquent feelings. 

“Oh, shove off Black,” Marlene teased lightly. “You boys need a favor or something?"

“Does there have to be a _reason_ to talk to you two? We enjoy your company is all."

Luckily, Merlin had taken pity on him, and Remus found himself almost immediately engrossed in a conversation with Lily about some academic matter Sirius would find no interest in. James tagged along, of course, chasing any moment to converse with the smartest girl he’d ever known. Peter had mulled around behind the curly-haired brunette himself, feeling characteristically misguided without James’ leadership. 

Leaving Sirius to his own sociable devices, he approached Marlene with confident casualty, a defining quality of his that he’d seemed to have been lacking lately. It was just something about Remus _—_ something about his lack of judgement that broke down Sirius’ barrier of coolness. 

“So, Marls, how’ve you been?”, he started. 

“Alright, Black, yourself?” 

“Pretty good. Thinking of getting a motorcycle.” 

That much was true. Sirius had been considering the prospect of muggle transportation for quite some time, and had heard from Remus that "cool blokes that smoke cigarettes and listen to Zeppelin have ‘em, sometimes.” The black-haired mischief maker was embarrassed to admit that it was all he needed to hear. Remus thought motorcycles were cool, so a motorcycle Sirius would get. 

“Hear they’re dangerous, be careful”, Marlene replied, slightly distracted by something that Sirius could only detect as concern. “Sirius, have you been alright recently? It’s November.” 

_What the bloody hell does that mean?_ Sirius thought in a slight state of panic. Surely she wasn’t referring to his note. No, she couldn’t have been _—_ the note was resting tight-lipped in the confines of his potions book. It was impossible. Still, his paranoia ensued, because not much about Sirius Black was rational. 

“Yes, everything’s fine, why would you ask me a stupid question like that? And what about November?”, he retorted, annoyance feigned and stress detected. 

“Merlin, sorry. But you’ve proven me right! Obviously something is wrong, what with your boyish agitation,” Marlene replied with far less defense than normal for someone who’d just been accused of asking a "stupid question.” “Lucky for you, I know exactly why.” 

_Oh Godric, she knows. She knows, and my life is going to fall to shambles, and Remus is going to find out I have a crush on him from James because Marlene will tell Lily and Lily will tell James and then James will tell—_

“Because of the month, of course! Scorpio’s are always twitchy this time of the year, with their birthday’s all lined up,” she said. Sirius could have sworn he let out the heaviest sigh of relief known to man. 

Truthfully, Sirius had never been much interested in astrology. He’d heard Marlene droll on about it for years, and had picked up on a few things; but that was more rooted in his wicked memory than passion. Sirius knew that his sun sign was a Scorpio (and he knew to specify _sun_ sign, because apparently there were several other placements that changed your sign). He knew that Remus was a Pisces (which is apparently highly compatible with his own sign), James was an Aries, and Lily an Aquarius. Sirius could never remember Peter’s for the life of him, but he remembered Marlene mentioning something about a two-faced attitude. Regardless, the boy payed little attention to astrology, however embraced the prospect of someone analyzing his personality with sprinkles of compliments, and so the discussion was welcome. 

“Oh, right. Of course. Well, Marls, if you’re so sure, give me a reading of sorts. How’s my month going to go, all that.” 

“I can’t predict the _future_ ,” Marlene replied, as if Sirius' years of listening in on her readings should have taught him as much. “But I can tell you that this is a very good month for you in the romance department. Now I’m not a professional, but I’ve read up that Scorpios are feeling particularly affectionate this month. Got anyone in mind?” 

Suddenly, Sirius felt very nervous about the attention he was receiving, which said quite a lot, because the boy usually indulged in spotlight. _Of course I’ve got someone in mind. Doesn’t mean anyone, horoscope or not, has got to know about it._

“Um, no not really”, he said sheepishly. 

“Ugh, I should have known. You’ve got girls all lined up that want to snog you and probably marry you and you’ve got no one in mind. If someone were to change the entire basis of astrological alignment, it’d be you, Sirius”, Marlene joked, hardly aware of the revelation her harmless interest had given Sirius. “Well, just in case you _do_ have someone in mind, your chart seems to be suggesting that you should act soon, because your feelings aren’t going away soon, and your romantic conquest is also quite interested and quite compatible. No surprises.” 

Sirius wanted to throw up. Why was his god-forsaken Scorpio sun, whatever the bloody hell that even meant, staring into his soul? _What right do you have looking into my thoughts, you sodding stars?_

And then Sirius thought again. Perhaps all of his recent emotional dramatics had led to this. Perhaps, and just perhaps, Remus was meant to find the letter. The thought was daunting, but Sirius’ steady perspective that the shaggy-haired boy deserved a declaration of love allowed it to prevail. But then he considered it once more, and decided to spare himself the embarrassment. What was he to do after confessing his love for his best mate? _Nothing, there was nothing to do,_ Sirius suppressed. 

~

That same evening, after Sirius had scarfed down his dinner and rushed back to the dorms in a rush, he shuffled around his belongings for the now secret-keeping Potions textbook. The note was still intact, and it didn’t looked to have been tampered with, which Sirius was grateful for. Still, glancing slightly at the words he’d scribbled down, they didn’t feel like enough. So, on impulse, Sirius flipped over the piece of parchment and reached for a quill. 

_Just write a little more, and this will go away_ , Sirius convinced himself. He’d spun a wheel of possible excuses for his feelings, and was currently situated on the possible prospect that he hasn’t quite been _completely_ honest in the letter, and once he confessed every inkling of his adoration, the feelings would subside. 

_Dear Moony,_

_I know I’ve already penned off this letter, but I think I must have missed something, because I can’t stop thinking about you, still. I’m even considering buying a bloody motorbike, which I wish I could say was just for fun—but I would have never even considered it if you hadn’t brought it up, bastard._

_Marlene told me quite some time ago that our astrological signs were compatible, and I’m not quite sure what that means at all, frankly. But I’ve got to admit that I think about it sometimes. Nobody understands me like you do, and I’d like to think I know you quite well, too. You know, like the way your lovely eyes crinkle up when something is really funny (always my jokes, of course). Or the frayed ends of your corduroy coat, that I borrow quite often, not because I find much fashion in it but because there’s always an extra cigarette in the pocket and it smells like you. Pine and parchment. Godric, I don’t know why I can articulate something like that so easily. It’s all your fault, Moony. It’s all your fault for being so bloody lovely and making me fall in love with you when I’m almost positive it can never be._

_Alright, hopefully that’s all. Oh, and you looked nice in your uniform today. I always thought that white button-down shirt made your skin glow. Alright, bloody hell, I think that’s really it now._

_Stop making me love you, git!_

Sirius Orion Black

Sirius went to sleep that night with brief contentment. Perhaps now that he’d been honest, he’d wake up tomorrow with a well-rested smile and re-placed affinity for his most-adored bachelor reputation. But the sentiment didn’t last for long. Because Remus’ long, angelic eyelashes fluttered closed, and Sirius’ eyes couldn’t avoid the boy’s peaceful figure. Suddenly, the letter had solved nothing. Because Sirius was in love with Remus, and he concluded that he probably would be for a very long time. 

And just as Remus had gotten comfortable, he groggily glanced over at the boy he’d never admit to find enchantingly lovely and effortlessly cool. 

“Night, Padfoot.” 

“Night.” 

**Author's Note:**

> hello! thank you for reading :)) this will likely be a quick series, probably 5-6 parts. i apologize for the peter erasure, it was (sort of) unintentional. 
> 
> xx P


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